Dating a good guy after a toxic relationship

What it’s like re-learning love
I just started dating a drug addict two years later. The transition between the two is eye-opening.

Stage 1: It's hard to change your old habits

If there's one thing that makes you realize how toxic and unhealthy your past situation is, it's turning all the habits you've learned into habits you don't have.

Unnecessary apologies

"I'm sorry, if I asked Jesse for a restaurant recommendation, you'd be very weak."

This is what I said to my new friend I dated after I first met his friend. One of them, Jesse, was a self-proclaimed gourmet. I had just arrived in their area, so I asked her about her favorite restaurant - in front of the boy, where he lived for many years.

Later that night, out of habit, I apologized to him because it might upset him. He glanced at me a little and then said softly, "You don't have it." Then he added, "Do you want to go to them?" "Just like that.

Maybe it's obvious that he won't be angry. Now I think that's obvious.

But just a year ago, and twice before, I was immersed in a relationship and it was normal for me to say such nonsense --- with someone who would be upset by such nonsense.

My ex-husband is an interdependent person, and some of his problems are basically covered up by big words like "love". He was uneasy (and absorbed) about making me happy and asked me to "solve" his bottomless self-doubt with constant praise and comfort.

Before dating him, I would read this article and think, "I'll never date someone like that," but the fact is that anyone can have toxic things. When we're not there, it's easy to make different judgments - in fact, it's easy, and I'll even go back and judge myself.

These have become the knowledge lines that I am still looking for in my life.

Unnecessary affirmative

I still thank the newcomers for everything they do ("Thank you for letting me finish"), and I find myself repeating, like a tick, to make sure it's heard. I complimented him on something he didn't need guarantees ("Wow, you're great to open a bottle!" It made him laugh.

I looked up from my home phone and asked, "Would you mind if I text my mother now?" "I thank him for his patience in calling my father on Father's Day.

I still thank him for using what we all deserve as a benchmark for a relationship. This is not to say that we should not express gratitude - even the most basic gratitude - more importantly, our gratitude is casual and easy... And compulsively, nervously, to stop someone from exploding (because you don't "appreciate" them).

Unnecessary self-improvement

I invited the new boy to act as an expert/supplier to help me choose delicious cheese, and he said, "Of course? Although I know nothing about it. I thought, "Oh, yes, I forgot that your ego is not pretending."

Unnecessary winch

Because you're so shocked, you're still shocked, looking forward to emotional blows - all the time.


The first time I drank with the new boy, I was a little excited and depressed about some silly things. I was shocked that he didn't retaliate. He did not come because I was unhappy, nor because he was unhappy, when he asked me gently, "What happened?" "The next morning I apologized to him and he asked me. This is it.

Stage 2: Where toxicity was high in the past, deafening white noise was emitted.

When you come out of a bad environment, it's not the kindness of others that will benefit you at first - it's the feeling when they're friendly and non-toxic.

Suddenly there's a burst of white noise and white space, and the first thing you notice is all the missing things - in fact, these things are done without strings attached, or manipulation, or emotional war games, or injuries, or scores, or staring at the appropriate number of "apps" to "retrieve." Or "take back".

When they do something wrong, they apologize - say "I'm sorry" directly, without being defended, accused or appended with "But..."

For a while, you regularly ask yourself, "Are you okay? "Just to be sure, they always do. It's amazing.

Only mercy, and then this incredible calm impulse, in places of anxiety in the past.

Stage 3: "Hell, I can breathe."

After that, when you stop flinching, look forward to emotional rebound.

When you're no longer surprised that you didn't receive it.

After that, only this beautiful, relaxed, elegant feeling - after a while, you will realize: this is breathing.

At some point -- or many times -- you suddenly become acutely aware that you are breathing. Suddenly, you feel relaxed and stretched, and your energy disperses gently in the swimming pool around you, sweet and heavy.

Stage 4: "I don't know how to handle my hands."

Because now you have to replace the blank with something, but you realize that you no longer remember how to behave normally - you don't even know what is normal or what was normal.

Related to the poisonous relationship is that over the years, the poisonous relationship has spread to you and me. Your partner is good at first and regular from beginning to end - they have to be, after all, or you will be released on bail - over time, you will lose contact with what is good and what is bad.



The feeling of drifting still exists even after you see its toxicity because you still don't remember how to act.

You don't know how to deal with relationships. You're not sure about your judgment or how to trust others (after all, you trust your ex-boyfriend and see where he takes you), including yourself (because you trust him).

You cut off everything you believe is poisonous, but you still have to keep silent about the things that rush into the void, because most of them are incorrect.

What is the positive constant of saying "Thank you"? What is the praise given to reason? Is his joke negative? Is it mine? How much should I recover?

How much is enough, how much is too much to give?

I still assure him that he makes me happy, which seems to be very helpful for beginners.

Phase 5: Feeling... Very good.

You realize that it's not just the lack of bad energy, it's the sudden baptism of mad goodness.

The irony, right? When no one boasts of your happiness on you but just lets you live your life, the good feeling is like living in a warm valley.


I was constantly amazed at this guy, and still spent a lot of time wondering at him and how he felt.